Reflections
As we enter into the second week of the new year, I'm finally going to take a moment to reflect back on 2005... an extremely eventful year in some ways and very uneventful in others. Considering how many things happened in the last year, it seems odd that I am starting the new year in the same place as I did 2005(albeit in front of a much larger computer screen that even my gaming brother thinks is a bit too big - hehe).
In 2005 I moved 800 miles away - and then came back again, I made and lost friends (and any that were lost, were not worth the energy of having in this case), I tried out a new type of employment - and subsequently (for the first time) quit a job without giving notice (screw you Mr. Loser Boss Man!!!!), I was in the weddings of two dear friends - one who had met the guy oh-so-recently, and one who had been with her guy for six freaking years, I had yet another loved one die too young and once again spoke at the funeral of someone who should have been around long enough to speak at mine, and even as all of these events swirled rapidly around me, I continued to feel as though my life was stagnant.
We battle through our lives and rack up our life experiences, and supposedly some things are supposed to make us stronger, but what if we don't want to be stronger in that way? Alas, we have no choice in the matter. And sometimes we strive for things we will never achieve or attain, and sometimes we attain things that we realize in retrospect didn't matter. Sometimes (often) I feel as though I am stuck and everyone is whizzing past me. I want to not be stuck.
I had high expectations for 2005 - the biggest of which was an expectation combined with hope and belief - and that one did not come to pass once again. So as I begin 2006 I can't help but have low expectations......optimism grows old as circumstances surrounding some of my hopes seem to whither, or rather, continue to do so. What is it like to be an optimist again? To see the sunny side of everything? I'm not sure if I was ever like that. Sometimes I wish I was a brighter person to be around.
And now 2006 has begun and I don't know if I have the heart to invest any hopes in this year. I just learned that my favorite, favorite, favorite dog, whose cancer we all thought was in remission, is now terminal, and will be lucky if he gets six more months, but that, evidently, is extremely optimistic. He lives several hours away from me, so I may not get to see him again.
So I have begun 2006 with sadness in my heart and the feeling of lead coursing through my veins. That doesn't mean it won't be a superb year I suppose....we're only nine days in. So 2006.....welcome - please be kind.
In 2005 I moved 800 miles away - and then came back again, I made and lost friends (and any that were lost, were not worth the energy of having in this case), I tried out a new type of employment - and subsequently (for the first time) quit a job without giving notice (screw you Mr. Loser Boss Man!!!!), I was in the weddings of two dear friends - one who had met the guy oh-so-recently, and one who had been with her guy for six freaking years, I had yet another loved one die too young and once again spoke at the funeral of someone who should have been around long enough to speak at mine, and even as all of these events swirled rapidly around me, I continued to feel as though my life was stagnant.
We battle through our lives and rack up our life experiences, and supposedly some things are supposed to make us stronger, but what if we don't want to be stronger in that way? Alas, we have no choice in the matter. And sometimes we strive for things we will never achieve or attain, and sometimes we attain things that we realize in retrospect didn't matter. Sometimes (often) I feel as though I am stuck and everyone is whizzing past me. I want to not be stuck.
I had high expectations for 2005 - the biggest of which was an expectation combined with hope and belief - and that one did not come to pass once again. So as I begin 2006 I can't help but have low expectations......optimism grows old as circumstances surrounding some of my hopes seem to whither, or rather, continue to do so. What is it like to be an optimist again? To see the sunny side of everything? I'm not sure if I was ever like that. Sometimes I wish I was a brighter person to be around.
And now 2006 has begun and I don't know if I have the heart to invest any hopes in this year. I just learned that my favorite, favorite, favorite dog, whose cancer we all thought was in remission, is now terminal, and will be lucky if he gets six more months, but that, evidently, is extremely optimistic. He lives several hours away from me, so I may not get to see him again.
So I have begun 2006 with sadness in my heart and the feeling of lead coursing through my veins. That doesn't mean it won't be a superb year I suppose....we're only nine days in. So 2006.....welcome - please be kind.
posted by The Shababbler at 10:44 PM
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